Well well well, what do we have here? Its December 8th. Christmas is coming. So what? I dont have a job yet and i dont have money and my bf's allowance doesnt count cause its not mine.
My credit cards are maxed, my bank account is dry, and my car is slowly dying.
My will to wake up in the mornings is gone and everyones making money all around me.
My parents are supposively leaving to Nica ville for Xmas and my older brother wants to leave to NY, the other one will be somewhere drunk with his friends, and my bf will be working during christmas. And i dont really feel like chillin with his family alone. Thats something i need a tag team partner with.
I think i am going to have to go to my old job...like my old old job and work as customer service support again. that really really really sucks. I dont want to. I hate the phones. And i guess i have hit rock bottom cause i think i wont have a choice but to work as a teacher. So, when i get hired for this stupid customer service/sales rep i am gonna go buy the study guides to do the exam for the stupid teaching certification. I was really hoping to find something out there that was going to bring meaning to my future career. But i didnt get anything.
Whos to say it isnt my calling? Besides myself. There are school opening up like crazy all over my area and the one thing they need is teachers. I never even got an opportunity to do the substituting thing. Ugh...i was too lazy to drive downtown. So, here i go, finally, ive made my mind up.
Wish me luck...
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Selling Out
How bad is it to sell out a friend really?
See, I had told ya'll ealier in my posts that i am a very bad friend. I am lazy, i dont communicate too much, and when i do its bursts of truth that spew out into comedic slurs, i get lethargic when you tell me to go out with you, and it all stems from my anti-socialism. How i have friends now - i will never know. But i guess everyone is just used to me.
The thing is that this girl i have known since the 6th grade, asked a favor of me. In my defense she kept certain details of her favor secret upon my acceptance.
She told me she wanted me to judge a a debate tournamant at the college. I said yeah because she told me it wasnt a big deal. When it was time to meet her on the details of my job she came up with a whole spiel on the things i have to say, the time i have to keep, the need for a stop watch, and my inevitable advice to give to these poor souls who are in college and debating...all that and my need to wake up at 7 in the AM on a saturday. This was the toughie. Why? Well, because i dont work and i usually wake up at 4 or 5 pm. 7am is not my forte anymore...anyways, the thing is that i start frieking out and panicking on the things that i have to do, the dialogue i had to ensue, and the lie i would be giving to being a debate judge to all these kids. I frieked and when she called me 7 millions times in the morning i had the nerve to call her back and tell her that i am not an overachiever as she is, she will be the person who changes the world, and i will be the person who watched the changes come and go. I am not like her, and told her that i cannot make it.
During the time that i told her this, i was sitting in my fiances bed and tired from morning sex. Yes, people, i snuck out of my house and met up with my fiance in order to lay with him and consumate my marriage early hahah... Anyways, all day i have been feeling bad.
I have avoided her calls and i feel that she will never forgive me. She knows how i am, she knows how i can be, so why do i feel this guilt? Could it be because when i checked my messages she left me a pleading message in the phone around 8:30 saying that there were not enough judges and to please please please come to the college and help her because she was in too deep?
I dont know what to do the next time i talk to her. I dont know what to say to her, i dont even know if she will want to know me after i left her hanging high and dry. After all, she is even one of my brides maids. what to do what to do.....
So here i am, feeling bad about something i was lied into doing and everyone else didnt help her, and i was there willing to do it - to a degree that involved me actually doing things like talking and dressing up the part - oh and waking up early...Is is bad? Am i in the wrong?
Whats wrong with watching the world pass by? My mother taught me better than that, she taught me to change the world and make it my own...how could i be one of those people who do nothing. How? How did it all happen? I try to psychoanalyze it and i get clues here and there on where the parenting skills could have been different to make me a better person. But in the end..im just the leaves being picked up in the current of the wind, swirling around in the air without a care, and not taking control.
Selling out can hurt.. Admitting it to the one i did it to is not an option..
See, I had told ya'll ealier in my posts that i am a very bad friend. I am lazy, i dont communicate too much, and when i do its bursts of truth that spew out into comedic slurs, i get lethargic when you tell me to go out with you, and it all stems from my anti-socialism. How i have friends now - i will never know. But i guess everyone is just used to me.
The thing is that this girl i have known since the 6th grade, asked a favor of me. In my defense she kept certain details of her favor secret upon my acceptance.
She told me she wanted me to judge a a debate tournamant at the college. I said yeah because she told me it wasnt a big deal. When it was time to meet her on the details of my job she came up with a whole spiel on the things i have to say, the time i have to keep, the need for a stop watch, and my inevitable advice to give to these poor souls who are in college and debating...all that and my need to wake up at 7 in the AM on a saturday. This was the toughie. Why? Well, because i dont work and i usually wake up at 4 or 5 pm. 7am is not my forte anymore...anyways, the thing is that i start frieking out and panicking on the things that i have to do, the dialogue i had to ensue, and the lie i would be giving to being a debate judge to all these kids. I frieked and when she called me 7 millions times in the morning i had the nerve to call her back and tell her that i am not an overachiever as she is, she will be the person who changes the world, and i will be the person who watched the changes come and go. I am not like her, and told her that i cannot make it.
During the time that i told her this, i was sitting in my fiances bed and tired from morning sex. Yes, people, i snuck out of my house and met up with my fiance in order to lay with him and consumate my marriage early hahah... Anyways, all day i have been feeling bad.
I have avoided her calls and i feel that she will never forgive me. She knows how i am, she knows how i can be, so why do i feel this guilt? Could it be because when i checked my messages she left me a pleading message in the phone around 8:30 saying that there were not enough judges and to please please please come to the college and help her because she was in too deep?
I dont know what to do the next time i talk to her. I dont know what to say to her, i dont even know if she will want to know me after i left her hanging high and dry. After all, she is even one of my brides maids. what to do what to do.....
So here i am, feeling bad about something i was lied into doing and everyone else didnt help her, and i was there willing to do it - to a degree that involved me actually doing things like talking and dressing up the part - oh and waking up early...Is is bad? Am i in the wrong?
Whats wrong with watching the world pass by? My mother taught me better than that, she taught me to change the world and make it my own...how could i be one of those people who do nothing. How? How did it all happen? I try to psychoanalyze it and i get clues here and there on where the parenting skills could have been different to make me a better person. But in the end..im just the leaves being picked up in the current of the wind, swirling around in the air without a care, and not taking control.
Selling out can hurt.. Admitting it to the one i did it to is not an option..
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