Selling Out

How bad is it to sell out a friend really?

See, I had told ya'll ealier in my posts that i am a very bad friend. I am lazy, i dont communicate too much, and when i do its bursts of truth that spew out into comedic slurs, i get lethargic when you tell me to go out with you, and it all stems from my anti-socialism. How i have friends now - i will never know. But i guess everyone is just used to me.

The thing is that this girl i have known since the 6th grade, asked a favor of me. In my defense she kept certain details of her favor secret upon my acceptance.

She told me she wanted me to judge a a debate tournamant at the college. I said yeah because she told me it wasnt a big deal. When it was time to meet her on the details of my job she came up with a whole spiel on the things i have to say, the time i have to keep, the need for a stop watch, and my inevitable advice to give to these poor souls who are in college and debating...all that and my need to wake up at 7 in the AM on a saturday. This was the toughie. Why? Well, because i dont work and i usually wake up at 4 or 5 pm. 7am is not my forte anymore...anyways, the thing is that i start frieking out and panicking on the things that i have to do, the dialogue i had to ensue, and the lie i would be giving to being a debate judge to all these kids. I frieked and when she called me 7 millions times in the morning i had the nerve to call her back and tell her that i am not an overachiever as she is, she will be the person who changes the world, and i will be the person who watched the changes come and go. I am not like her, and told her that i cannot make it.

During the time that i told her this, i was sitting in my fiances bed and tired from morning sex. Yes, people, i snuck out of my house and met up with my fiance in order to lay with him and consumate my marriage early hahah... Anyways, all day i have been feeling bad.

I have avoided her calls and i feel that she will never forgive me. She knows how i am, she knows how i can be, so why do i feel this guilt? Could it be because when i checked my messages she left me a pleading message in the phone around 8:30 saying that there were not enough judges and to please please please come to the college and help her because she was in too deep?

I dont know what to do the next time i talk to her. I dont know what to say to her, i dont even know if she will want to know me after i left her hanging high and dry. After all, she is even one of my brides maids. what to do what to do.....

So here i am, feeling bad about something i was lied into doing and everyone else didnt help her, and i was there willing to do it - to a degree that involved me actually doing things like talking and dressing up the part - oh and waking up early...Is is bad? Am i in the wrong?

Whats wrong with watching the world pass by? My mother taught me better than that, she taught me to change the world and make it my own...how could i be one of those people who do nothing. How? How did it all happen? I try to psychoanalyze it and i get clues here and there on where the parenting skills could have been different to make me a better person. But in the end..im just the leaves being picked up in the current of the wind, swirling around in the air without a care, and not taking control.

Selling out can hurt.. Admitting it to the one i did it to is not an option..